The Save The Children foundation released their thirteenth annual ranking of the best and worst places to be a mom in the world. As unbelievable as it may seem, the United States ranked number 25. Maybe we should be happy since we moved up by six places since last year.

In essence, they examined the well-being of moms and children all over the world.  Some of the criteria used for the report included infant mortality, contraceptive use, female education, political representation, maternity leave policies and breastfeeding rates. Norway was ranked the number one place to be a mom.

Save the Children’s CEO and President Carolyn Miles states, “The USA still performs below average overall and quite poorly on a number of measures.”

• Lifetime risk of dying from childbirth. Mothers in the USA face a one-in-2,100 risk of maternal death, the highest of any industrialized nation.
• Mortality rate of children. The death rate for children younger than 5 is eight per 1,000 births, on par with Bosnia and Herzegovina. A child in the USA is four times as likely as a child in Iceland to die before age 5. Forty countries performed better than the U.S.
• Maternity leave policies. Policies in the USA are among the least generous of any wealthy nation. It is the only developed country, and one of only a handful of countries in the world, that does not guarantee working mothers paid leave.

Miles states, “The U.S. has moved up, but it’s still not great, falling near the bottom among most wealthy nations.”

All I can say is, How can we wonder why women aren’t treated fairly in divorce court when working mothers in the United States are not even guaranteed paid maternity leave?

Photo: Mat Culpepper

This is a story that I have heard only 3 times in over a decade and it is absolutely heart breaking.  In my opinion, the height of parental alienation involves children who have reached adulthood.

All three scenarios have played out similarly. During the marriage, the husbands were absent as the children grew up. When they were present, they undermined the mothers’ authority in giving consequences to the children. When the divorce process began, they began to tell the children supposed facts about the mothers.

In all three cases, the husbands were very clever in the ways that they damaged the relationships between the mothers and their children. It was especially painful for the mothers because they were the ones who nurtured and cared for the children 100% of the time. The experience of abandonment by their own children was gut wrenching.

Two of these women sought professional psychological counseling so as to understand how their children could be excluding them from their lives after they had been so close previously.

The two interesting bits of advice that both received were:

• Children gravitate toward the parent they are most afraid of losing. They are confident in the fact that the parent who was always there for them will always be there for them even though she is treated poorly.
• Children are inherently selfish so until they are about 30, they will lean toward the parent who has more money. The one who has the money to pay for vacations, cars and even college is the one who will usually win the children’s allegiance.

Several of the ex-spouses went so far as to offer to pay for weddings but only if the mothers’ names were excluded from the invitations and excluded from taking part in the wedding plans or ceremony itself.

The takeaway is that you must be patient if anything like this is happening to you. If you keep your dignity and do what is right, things will turn around eventually. No matter how much your heart is breaking, do not stoop to the level of your ex-spouse.  If you do, ultimately it will delay your children’s realization that they were used as pawns to hurt you.

The really sad part is that ultimately, the children are hurt the most. The saddest story came from a 37 year old woman who’s mother passed away before she figured out what was really going on. Now this woman has severed connections with her father because of what he did. Now she has lost both parents and has to live with the guilt of ignoring her mother. She can’t fix the relationship or say she is sorry.

Photo: Alyssa L. Miller

She was born in Canada and had been in the United States for six months, when she met her husband and married him. He is a U.S. Citizen. He told her that he was applying for her to get her green card a.k.a. permanent residence card. She never followed through or made sure he had done what he said.

Per The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, “An immediate relative relationship allows you to apply on Form I-485, Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status, to become a permanent resident at the same time your U.S. citizen petitioner files Form I-130, Petition for Alien Relative.”

Her husband began to abuse her physically and emotionally. When she couldn’t take it any longer, she told him that she was going to file for divorce. At that point, he told her that he had never filed the appropriate paperwork.

It was only then, that she realized the mistakes she made when she trusted what he said and did not follow through.

Now she is facing deportment. She is pregnant and terrified.

Photo: NYCMarines

Today’s post will be short but extremely important. I know how so many of you are impatient and a bit disbelieving that your children will return to you.

Divorce breaks so many hearts. It breaks your heart and it breaks your children’s hearts. The part that you must never forget is that your children did not ask for divorce. It happened for a reason that is between you and your spouse.

Take a deep breath. Try to keep perspective and maintain empathy for what your children are experiencing. Above all, don’t make them pick sides.

Photo: apdk

The key is that you are open to all of the what ifs? I see so many women who are shocked when the friends they had during their marriages become virtually non existent after divorce. Often friends they had before divorce become friends with the ex-spouse after divorce. Sometimes it even happens when they disliked each other during your marriage.

The key is that you don’t flee from caring friends. You need supportive people around you. You just can’t assume that those who seemed like friends before are really friends.

True friends stick by you. They always have your back and they always care. They may not be perfect but neither are you.

Phto: Wildebeast1

Did you know that stepfathers and boyfriends place your children, especially daughters at an unbelievably higher risk for sexual and physical abuse? You may and probably are feeling lonely and afraid. I’m sorry about that and I get that. That said, I will never advocate throwing children under the bus in order to be comforted!

This is a frightening fact. Vulnerable women who have been hurt by divorce and abandonment issues tend to find men who create the same scenarios as those that they chose in their previous relationships.

You must step up to the plate. You must put your own needs aside. These are your children. It is your job and your responsibility to put them first. They did not choose their fathers or your divorce. They depend on you. Suck it up and put them first. You won’t be sorry. I promise!!!

Photo:05com

Three Important Aspects

A. Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical, emotional or financial. It can be a combination of all three. Many times the abuse has tiptoed into marriage and women don’t even realize that they are being abused. So often I hear things like, “He has never hit me but I have no access to our money.” That is abuse!!

B. Banking basics will make or break your financial future. Make sure you know what your assets are and where they are.  Do your research and leave nothing out.

C. Relationships are combustible. Your children did not light the flame between you and your spouse. Don’t allow them to be burned during the explosion.

Maybe not but I do know how a child feels when a parent leaves. I do know the fear that nothing will ever be the same.

There was a time in my life when my parents were struggling with their marriage. I think I was about nine or ten.This is what I remember:I heard them arguing a lot. Shortly after my dad left for work, I would go to school. My mom would wait for me to come home with a homemade something and a hug and kiss.

When I came home one day, something was different. I went to my parents’ bedroom and looked into the closet. My dad’s clothes were gone. His dresser had been emptied. I remember a hollow feeling and asked my mom where his things were. She advised me that he had moved out for a while. She said that she and my dad were having problems and that I shouldn’t worry.  I did worry.

My dad and I weren’t very close but he was still my dad and I loved him. I felt very sad. I felt like something had broken. I guess I felt like our family had broken. I didn’t understand.

The next memory I had was an evening when my older brother was supposed to be sitting for me. My mom had gone out with friends. My brother didn’t do as directed and he went out also.

My dog and I were alone in the house. I was a little afraid. Well, maybe I was a lot afraid.

As it began to get dark, I heard something. I remember the sound of the front door opening against the chain. I remember that I hid in a closet with my dog. I had recently learned about rape. I was terrified that I might be raped.

Then I heard the person trying to open the windows. Thankfully, they were locked. Next, I listened as the kitchen door opened against the chain. I hoped the intruder would give up and leave.

I could hear my own heart beating. I took clothing off of the hangers as quietly as I could and put them on top of my dog and me.

Next, the unthinkable happened. I heard a window open. It sounded like the kitchen window over the sink. I heard the intruder climb in the window and it sounded like he stepped into the sink. I remember thinking that my dog would give away my hiding place if I kept her with me so I let her go. I heard the intruder jump down to the floor and then I heard my dog’s nails on the kitchen floor.

I remember praying. “Please God, don’t let me be raped. Don’t let him find me. Don’t let him hurt my dog. Don’t let her show him where I am hiding.”  As usual, He answered my prayers.

What I heard next was my father’s voice, “Hi Dusky! Are you all alone? I came to bring Claudia’s allowance. Did you miss me girl?”

I remember how relieved I felt. I remember the feeling of warm tears rolling down my cheeks as I ran toward the kitchen, toward my father. It wasn’t someone who was going to rape me. It was my dad… It was my dad.

As I entered the kitchen in tears, I ran to my dad and threw my arms around his waist. I cried, “Daddy, Daddy, it’s you. I was so afraid.” What happened next was the reason that I am writing this post.

There was no response from my dad. He didn’t hug me back. He didn’t ask me what was wrong or why I was afraid and crying. I remember hugging him harder and harder, hoping that he would hug me back but still there was no response. It was as though I was hugging a tree trunk and not a person.  Then he said it. “This is your fault. You are the reason she made me leave.”

I didn’t understand why he said that. I started to cry again uncontrollably. My mom came home sometime later. I remember running to her. It was a repeat of how I ran to my dad earlier except for one thing. As I wrapped my arms around my mom, she wrapped her arms around me. She held me tightly. I told her that he said it was my fault.

I remember that she stepped back, looked into my eyes and said, “This is not your fault. Your dad and I have problems. They are our problems, not yours. We both love you.”  I wasn’t sure about that.

I still didn’t really understand but I remember feeling safe. I remember feeling confident that she loved me…really loved me. I remember feeling like everything would be okay. She would make everything okay. My mom would make everything okay like she always did.

To be continued…

Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

Think about it this way. If you get caught up in anger, vindictiveness, hurt, disillusionment and abandonment issues, they can become the paramount thought process. If the thought process focuses on any of those things, it cannot focus on reality. Reality requires a focus on what is true without emotion.

There are times in life when emotion must take over. One of those times is not during divorce! Do yourself a favor and that is to place your emotions on the back burner and your common sense on the front burner!

You have heard about gong from the frying pan into the fire? Keeping perspective will keep you out of the fire! Trust me when I say that I understand what it takes to survive divorce and thrive after and because of divorce!

Photo: stevendepolo

You are bitter if…

• You remain a victim.
• You don’t take responsibility for the happenings in your life.
• You continually badmouth the ex.
• You can’t get past the subject of divorce.

You are better if…

• You own your part in the divorce.
• You learn from your mistakes.
• You no longer focus on the past.
• You look forward to a happy future.

It’s perfectly okay to have a pity party for a while but not for a lifetime!

Photo: KYZ